I have recently decided not to use the words “Role Model” if ever asked if I consider myself to be one. Instead I would label myself an “example” because I am an example of what a survivor’s life looks like when we turn the tables on our demons and our fears. My demons came in the shape of child abuse, sexual assault, domestic violence and addiction. One of my major fears almost killed me on more than one occasion by using my own hands and mind against me; hands full of pills, overdoses, thoughts of just giving up. It wasn’t an easy battle for me and I would never lie and tell anyone that it was or that it will be easy.
I have been touched by a lot of things including suffering with mental illness; I was diagnosed with severe depression, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Anxiety and Panic attacks. Yes, I have been through a lot – notice I said “through.” Now I stand on the other side of all that, medication free, drug free, but not free from the memories. I have, however, figured out a way to take away the power these memories of my past try to hold over me. I prayed and forgave all those who had hurt me. I had daily conversations with God asking Him to take it away from me. I lifted up my hands to God as if my pain and suffering and those memories were in the palms of my hands and I asked Him to take all of it from me. I surrendered it to Him over and over again; I took it to God in prayer sometimes three, four or five times a day, whatever it took that’s what I did.
These are the fruits of my suffering; He told me and showed me that my name was Child of God. Every word in the stories I have written represent the physical and mental pain that I have endured. The experiences of my past are all buried within my written words, even the loneliness and feelings of isolation while standing in a crowd of people; the anger of not understanding why people hurt me, even those who were supposed to love me. This is what God did for me. He blessed me this woman who didn’t see herself as a woman, but I saw myself as a mess; God blessed my mess.
From my first published book “Through Whose Eyes: Rise, Child of God” a book short-stories and poems. Here are some examples of the stories that God used my mess to bless me with; none of the characters have names, but their stories and journeys are real and powerful.
The short-stories in Through Whose Eyes: Rise, Child of God are meant to provoke the reader to think about the journey each character takes. The woman in “Turning Corners” finds herself in jail once again and begins to have revelations about the life she’s been leading. She comes to realize that life as a streetwalker has been holding her back and it keeps her running away from the call of God.
The spiritual character in the story “Clean” is already a woman of God, but her faith is tested and shaken when she is raped. Though she is surrounded by family and loved ones, she chooses to keep it a secret. The woman in “Waiting for God” remembers her journey through the foster system as she seeks a place of safety and searches for God on a church’s stairs.
Toni’s Blues my second published book was hard to write because I knew that in order for me to get the true emotions into the words to make the readers feel, I was going to have feel all that pain just so that I could get it just right on the pages.
Toni was always choosing the wrong men, following in the footsteps of her mother. This latest one has stripped her of her remaining self-esteem and her sense of who she is as a woman.
“His fists were gone and so was I, lost among the past scenes filled with pleading cries and screams. I had done more than stumble, I fell, I was battered and bruised, I had done more than just fall, I paused and stopped it all; and here in this window is where I landed. Nothing soft about it, an Over the Top Crash landing and I was the wreckage.
What’s the difference? The floor is still here and I may need more time to remember who I am. Who was I when I loved that man? Who was I when I was crawling around on this floor? Who am I now?”
My Current Projects:
I am currently working on my forth book “30, (The Dragonfly Catcher)” and my third “Dark Harmonie” is currently in the editing phase. The two books will be a part of a double-release project that I came up with to show that I have a range of creative writing skills. “Dark Harmonie” is a character, who is special because the hand of God is on her, but she has become the object of desire by those using dark supernatural forces and black magic to steal what is within in her. Even though this book still has the spiritual messages that I love to include in my stories this one gets a little dark – you will have to get the book to see what I mean. “30(The Dragonfly Catcher)” Starts off innocently enough about a little girl who is fascinated with boys, but curious wondering why they never noticed her. She becomes a woman who loses herself to other parts of herself. She realizes that she is a fragmented woman struggling to find her own true identity. She eventually starts referring to herself as “The Dragonfly Catcher”. There are none of my trade spiritual messages in this book, but I believe readers will be pleasantly surprised. Yes all my main characters are females and I love showing that women are strong and survivors.
These are a few of the reasons why I consider myself to be an example of what a survivor’s life looks like when we turn the tables on our demons and our fears; and let God bless our mess.
Author Book Website: http://sbpra.com/jacquelinerainey/
Official Author Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/AuthorJacquelineRainey
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